Things have changed for me over the past few days and I want to share with my online community of friends the reason why I won't be around as I have in the past.
On Friday morning I woke up with an eight year memory loss. It was very disorienting and quite frightening for me. Those around me though were calm, they knew what to do because they have been through this before.
I have been told, but do not currently remember....
In 2004 I had my first case of amnesia and after days of tests and a ton of anxiety I was diagnosed with Transient Global Amnesia (TGA). Then in 2007 I had another loss, but I also gained back all of my memories later that year. So the connections in my brain are not permanently severed and there is hope that I will once again remember the last eight years. But there are no guarentees.
Physically and medically I will be fine. But emotionally it will be a challenge to adjust to all that has changed in the last eight years.
You can't really put something like this into words. How do you describe how it feels to look at someone you know, yet they are suddenly eight years older. This is especially hard with my daughter, she has gone from 5 to 13 in an instant for me. I still can't quite wrap my head around that one. Or the situation where I have amazing people in my life that I no longer remember. I can see pictures, I can read words, but I can't make the connections to the emotions and memories of them.
I have had moments of complete frustration, where I just don't know how I can get through the day. But I have been told that these moments will pass and I will create a new normal and continue to move forward. Oh, how I pray that will come quickly.
Everyday I am working to learn what I don't know, making a bridge from my time to the current time. It is exhausting, but I am making progress. The technology that has happened in the last eight years alone is going to take me a bit of time to catch up with. So many online communities, so much information, way too many logins. That is the reason that I wanted to post this now. I don't expect to be active in the communities that I have in the past. Right now I am focused on daily life so Facebook, Twitter, and blogging are going to have to wait.
I thank each of you for your friendship and I hope that I will be able to reconnect with you in the future.
Sweet Jackie ;-) I'm sad to discover you have to live this rude time ! I can understand how hard it must be ! I just wanna tell you to take time for you first and your familly ;-) Your friends will wait ;-) I will wait ! Don't forget I'm here if you need. If I can help in any way, just ask !! You can contact me by pm to sandrinedeleuze@skynet.be if you want ! You can call me in Belgium to +32473964001 ;-) If you need, I'll be there ! Brain is a weird organ ! For monthes I'm suffering from tinnitus and loosing some sounds I can't hear anymore... I bet I am becoming slowly deaf ... I hear 7/7 - 24/24 sounds that are lowd or acute sounds or weird sounds ! Sometimes I think I'm going to become crazy lol But familly and friends are there to help ! So let time help, take care of your self my sweet friend !! I send you warm hugs long way from Belgium ;-) Sandrine
Posted by: Sandrine Deleuze | August 29, 2011 at 11:11 PM
What the heck-?!! Oh my gosh, how incredibly scary! I remember the first time, it was really weird the things you didn't remember. (Which is a pretty lame thing for me to say, huh, since I imagine its a w-h-o-l-e lot weirder for you!) I'm so sorry, my dear friend.
If you want to talk please let me know. We can Skype (you may have to ask Elden about that, its new-ish, we didn't do it until I think when I lived in MS, so the girls were 5-6ish). I'll fill you in or just listen. I'm so, so sorry. How incredibly frustrating it has happened again. :-(
Posted by: Cami | August 30, 2011 at 12:13 AM
I wrote you a letter, okay a tome, this morning I will mail along to you. It is unfair that those of us who have been through this with you before can see your path forward more clearly than you can right now. We have the unfair advantage that we know things will improve, we know things will not stay this foreign and strange. You have climbed this hill before, and I know you can again. We are all behind you. - Love Elizabeth.
Posted by: Elizabeth Hacala | August 30, 2011 at 04:48 AM
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jackie. Hugs from afar from one of your newer friends.
Posted by: annie | August 30, 2011 at 06:50 AM
I'm so glad we had a chance to catch up yesterday and I'm totally psyched to see you for tea tomorrow.
Also, YOU are the "best freaking friend ever" (I'll explain this statement more tomorrow) and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. But, I'm there (along with all of your friends) to help you make the journey.
HUGS and love my dear, dear friend! Oh, and an infusion of energy for the road! =)
Posted by: Liz Ness | August 30, 2011 at 08:19 AM
Jackie, I guess you won't remember me ... I met you and Liz online a year or so ago (Liz should remember!) You both inspired me so much and I hope to one day meet you. I can't imagine what you are going through. To have your child morph overnight and become 8 years older??? I would love to hug you right now. Please know I am thinking of you and wish you quick reconnections!
Posted by: Melanie K. | August 30, 2011 at 12:03 PM
Jackie, you won't remember me for sure. We've never met in person, but we've "known" each other thanks to the magic of blogs, for a few years now. My heart goes out to you. Many, many, many hugs to you my dear friend. Hope things get back to normal for you very soon. I will say a prayer for you tonight, and every night, until I hear that you are doing better; and then some more! I will keep praying that you never have to go through this kind of experience ever again! Hugs!
Posted by: Maria | August 31, 2011 at 09:01 PM
Thinking of you Jackie and sending you my love.
Posted by: jennifer h. | September 01, 2011 at 08:16 PM